Home…It Really Is About the Heart

Hello, and I should say to myself, welcome back! Life has been crazy busy lately and unfortunately my blogging has been neglected! I have a dream that eventually this will become my full time job, however there are those people out in the world that like it very much when the bills are paid, so for now, I will continue with my great real estate job that helps pay said people.

So what’s with the more than busy life all of a sudden? Our youngest graduating high school. One may ask why would that make life more hectic? Shouldn’t it be a happy, fun time? Of course! Because we live away from our family, about 721 miles away in fact, it means some of the family will be traveling here for the graduation. First reaction–Hooray! Complete and utter joy they will be making the trip. And then–PANIC! So much to do…….poor Mike!

The thing is, we are fairly intelligent people, especially my husband–who could, and should, belong to Mensa. However, I guess you could say we are most intelligent when it comes to procrastinating. From the beginning of the school year, which began in August of last year, we’ve known the date of graduation. We’ve also known that there was most likely a 99% chance we would have family coming to town. But we waited.

I’m speaking of things that we need to do to the house. Projects. Lists. Upgrades. Repairs. You get the picture. In Sandi’s world, things need to be perfect. That’s a completely unrealistic tape that plays in my head non stop. I grew up in a pretty sterile household and unfortunately for me and those that I love those traits have followed me. And the line of work I’m in certainly doesn’t make things easier when it comes to my own home in relation to size, decor, furnishings, etc.

But, alas, we get busy. I won’t bore you with all of the details of what we were trying to accomplish, but let’s just say there was lots of painting, some flooring, a wood wall, some lighting, some shelf-making  and on and on. Can I say through it all my husband was a saint. He’s a pretty basic no frills guy and he might get mad when he reads this, but he honestly would NEVER change a thing. Pretty typical of most men I think. But he was a trooper! And much to his dismay, we aren’t done yet.

I know most of you have probably experienced that light bulb moment. When something comes to you in the midst of stress and panic of trying to get things done. It happened to me in the middle of painting six-panel doors. Mind you, I don’t mind painting, if fact I enjoy it. I think it’s because I can see completion and change happens. Weird, I know. But I can honestly say, I DO NOT love painting six panel doors, because it stays the same. Yes it brightens them up, but unless you change colors, it’s the same.

I’m going to be completely vulnerable here. Many times in the 19 years we’ve lived in our home I’ve been unhappy. There have been unhappy times in our marriage (not proud of that for sure); unhappy times in my career choices; unhappy times in friendships; unhappy times of different things/dramas going on within my family; unhappy times of learning of untimely deaths and losing loved ones that are very close to you. I’ve shed many tears in this home. Not all unhappy tears, but a greater number than happy tears.

As I was painting and thinking, I suddenly was overwhelmed and convicted of the fact that often times, or perhaps many times, I’ve been ashamed of my home. To the point there have been some people, that we love I wouldn’t have over for fear of what they might think. What? Such crazy thinking on my part. But I’m pretty sure it was, at least in part, due to my sterile upbringing and thinking/believing things had to be perfect and also to a degree some of the unhappiness I was feeling about other areas of my life.

At that moment in the bathroom that serves as the girls’/guest bath I was brought to gut wrenching tears mostly due to shame of the feelings I was having about my home–thinking it wasn’t good enough. Truthfully, who do I think I am? And what do I think I deserve? For those of you of Faith you understand, I deserve death and this home I have now been brought to tears over, is not mine anyway. What a selfish attitude. Obviously, not one I’m proud of.

Through the tears and when I finally gained some composure, I started thinking about my home for the last 19 years. I have the gift of hospitality according the spiritual gifts test I’ve taken a few times. Kind of hard to believe with the attitude I had. But if you’ve read this blog at all or even looked at my Facebook, my passion is cooking. But even more than that, my passion is entertaining. Watching and experiencing the joy of seeing people enjoy my meals swells my heart every time!

As I thought through this, my pain and sadness started to turn to complete joy thinking about all the wonderful friends and family we’ve had in our home. My girls, who by the way are the absolute most wonderful young women, have been raised in this home. Liz turned 3 right after we moved in and Becca was brought home from the hospital to this home. They have had so many friends in and out of this home over the years, which is something I absolutely love to this day!

So many friends throughout the years have been in our home. We’ve had many laughs throughout the years, and still to this day we can share a laugh about different things that have occurred with different friends throughout the years. Many of those friends have moved on, but I wouldn’t change the memories we shared for anything. The ability to look back and remember and to laugh about something that we did or that was said is priceless!

We’ve hosted all age groups in our home over the years. One of my favorite times, was when my husband was the college pastor, and weekly we had college kids over. We became very close to many of them and I loved sharing life with them. There was a time that we liked to host Thanksgiving and sometimes Christmas for friends that were like us, displaced from their families. I have to wonder how many meals we’ve served in this home when having people over. I have longed for an industrial sized stove, with 6 to eight burners and a double oven. But after my lightbulb moment, I realized my older smooth top with the chip on the front has created the same meals with the same intentions as the big $10,000 one. Not saying I still wouldn’t love one, so donations are gladly accepted. 🙂

We’ve shared a lot of life in this home. I do believe, and not to sound prideful, but so much good has come from sharing life with people over the 19 years we’ve been here. Much joy and much Grace. It’s not the biggest home, in fact it’s cozy (small), but it’s filled with tons of love for people and for each other. That’s what you call large square footage people! I see now, how beautiful my home is; even if we hadn’t done the necessary repairs/updating we’ve done so far, or continue with the ones we have planned.

So I think I mentioned earlier (way earlier) in this post we had family coming to town and that’s what put us in this frenzy of updating; or in my world, making everything perfect. I was giddy with the excitement of hosting our family. You see, they don’t visit often, mostly because we make the trip there, but I could hardly wait to host them and was most excited about meals under the Willow Tree! I planned the menus and shopped and all the while Mike’s like, we’ll just order pizza. Absolutely NOT! I explained how excited I was to do this for our family. Of course he hushed. He knows me all too well.

I’m not sure if I wouldn’t have had that moment of conviction in the bathroom, I would have been as excited about playing host. Don’t get me wrong, I always get excited when they visit, but of course in the back of my mind there were always, “Does this look good?” “Is it clean enough?” “What will they think?” moments. But not this visit. I took in every moment of sharing life together. I felt like I had (but probably didn’t) a smile a mile wide. We laughed and we poked fun at each other and we had the BEST time! And my baby girl graduated high school in the midst of it all!

I love how God can humble you and also convict you, but also love you when your behavior is sinful and prideful. So very thankful for His Grace daily. I’m so very thankful for my absolutely beautiful home that I’ve shared with people in love and food. One of my best friends recently had a birthday and her husband asked her what she would like. Her response, a night under the Willow Tree at the Caro’s! What? That’s humbling, people. We are loved. That’s joy, complete and utter joy someone only wants that for their birthday. My heart swells! My friend got her wish! And I would like to cordially invite y’all over to my most beautiful home, filled with TONS of square footage!

Much love,

Sandi